Little red one-piece

Bathing suit shopping. I'd rather have a root canal.

The worst thing about it is that there is no hiding from the cheesecake and chocolates. They are right there on your tummy and thighs for the whole world to see.

But my bathing suit is a couple of years old and starting to show wear.

I wish I were a guy. They pick a pair of trunks in a pattern they like and go. Do they even try them on?

No, we have to make sure they don't show too much cleavage, that they flatter the tummy, that they don't ride up our fannies too much. And above all, does it make me look like a beached whale? Be honest! Friends don't let friends leave the house looking like a skank. Or Shamu in a string bikini.

I like my old one. A nice, slimming (I hope) black one piece with multicolored ruching under the bust that I hope makes me look skinny. The straps and neckline have a faint Marilyn Monroe-esque quality.

But I've decided that if I absolutely must buy a new one, I want a sexy red one. Not showy...that's not me. I think just being red will make it sexy enough. Like fire-engine red. I think it will look really good with my tan. And red is my favorite color.

Apparently, nearly no one agrees with me that this would be a good color for a swimsuit. I can find the suckers in leopard print faster than I can in red. Royal blue is a dime a dozen. There's a particular look I want, too, but I don't know if I can describe it. I don't want a plain Jane red swimsuit. I want one that rocks! I may not have too many years left to look decent in it...so now is a good time to have one, I think.

Ruching is a must. I need all the tummy slimming tricks I can get. And if it has a gold ring or something at the center of the bust, that would be very cool. Maybe a halter top comes off of it and around my neck.

Does anybody know where I might be able to find this creature? Oh...and for Walmart prices? ;-) The search is ON!