Before I left my husband for the last time, I made up my mind I wanted to be happy by myself before I got involved in another relationship. When I met him, I thought I needed a man to be happy.
This summer will make five years since I left him. I'm really glad I have taken the time I have. It gives you perspective you can't have while you're still hurting.
I'm very happy with my life. It took me a really long time to get here, though. I had to get over more than just my husband. I was over him years before I finally make the break, but there was a lot of damage that needed to heal. I had completely lost myself, and I needed to be restored.
This singlehood thing has been on my mind a lot lately. Not because I'm anxious to change it, but I think because we're getting ready to start a study in small groups on Ruth. I've been reading a different book about her, and the story centers on widowhood and barrenness and what it means to be a woman. In those days, you were nothing without a man. Your father took care of you until your husband assumed the responsibility. If you didn't have a husband, God help you.
It's not like that anymore, but I think it's in our genetic makeup to be paired up. And society still tells us that something is wrong if we're single for too long. I also think some people are just constantly searching for companionship because they just don't know any other way to be, and they're afraid to be alone.
Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 8 that it is better to be single, and I think I understand why. When you let go of this worry, this fear that you'll never find another mate, you're free. You're no longer torturing yourself, and you're free to just work on healing.
You're free to focus on your children, your job, your friends, your family. You're free to figure out what you want for the rest of your life. I mean, think of all the things you can do! And there's nobody to tell you you can't. You're free to stop and smell the roses. Take an extra three hours to get to a destination (provided no one is waiting for you) so you can investigate a curiosity along the way.
You're free to give away anything you choose to someone who needs it more. You're free to join the mission field in Cambodia, if that's where God is leading you. And there's no spouse's job to take into consideration. There is an absolute freedom to do His will that you won't find as a married person,when there are dual careers and mortgages to worry over.
Most importantly, you're free to focus your attentions on building your relationship with God. The time that isn't spent fighting with a mate can be spent peacefully reading the Bible. During the final days of your marriage (or relationship), the turmoil that kept your stomach in knots also kept your brain distracted from the good things in life. Now you're free to see and enjoy those things.
It's scary at first. I remember sitting in my lawyer's office one day when she told me it had taken her 19 years to find her current husband. Her happiness radiates from her face. But I thought, "19 years??" That had to be the worst thing I'd ever heard!
But in dating now...the men I choose to spend time with are men whose company I truly enjoy. One of the greatest freedoms I have is the freedom to say "No" to anyone that I feel is disrespectful to me or my children. Because I have learned to enjoy sitting at a dinner table by myself, I don't have to find just any ol' warm body to fill that space. I don't have to settle.
Understand, I'm not saying I don't ever want to get married. But I don't have a boyfriend at the moment. What I am saying is I can choose to focus on remedying that situation -- viewing it as a major shortcoming of mine -- or I can choose to see this fact as an advantage and focus instead on the things in my life that give me joy. I choose the latter. One day I will be 97 years old and sitting in my rocking chair. If Mr. Right never shows up, I will still look back on my life and say, It was good.
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