I was talking to a friend yesterday about what it's like being a single parent.
It's a hard thing to describe. Like I told her, I've been doing this for five years now. It's all I know anymore. She understood.
I remember when she became a single mother herself three or four years ago. She told me once back then, "I don't know how you do it." I thought, "Do what?? Nothing I do is done well." It's the plate spinning analogy I made a while back. I must have looked like I had it all together, but I remember feeling like I was dropping a lot of plates. Still do from time to time.
She and I talked about support systems. It's so important to have a community of single parents who can relate to you. It's not the same as being with a group of young marrieds, or never-marrieds. People who have never had kids have no idea what it's like to live by a schedule that is dictated by mealtimes and bedtimes. I can't imagine eating whatever I can find whenever I get hungry. At 6 p.m. it's dinnertime, whether I'm hungry or not. The kids have to eat. And everything I do costs three times as much as it would if it were just me, so something as small as going out to dinner isn't necessarily a simple thing.
People who have spouses have someone there who can run to the store for a gallon of milk at 9 p.m. while they're getting the kids off to bed. (Okay...true. I have teenagers. In my house it's more like, "I'm going to the store. Be ready for bed when I get back or else!") There's also someone there to let them know if they're being unreasonable with the kids, or how best to handle a bad report card, or to help figure out what to do if the car makes a funny noise....and how to pay for it. I have that, too, because God gave me a wonderful family. But I have to go outside of my own four walls to get it -- something I didn't have to do when I was married.
After a while you learn to accept that there's only so much you can do by yourself. You learn to focus on what's important and let the rest go. (Which is why the dust bunnies frolic happily under my couch!)
I was telling my friend about my Sunday School class. They are the reason I love Warren so much. It's a small group, but they are wonderful people. Once a month or so we get together to socialize. Maybe we take kids, or maybe everyone chips in for a babysitter and we go out "adults only." One weekend we might get together and go clean a member's yard. Or we might go clean someone's house.
We did that a few weeks ago for our leader. He's a single father of four and he runs his own business. But he's so busy trying to help others that he doesn't have time to take care of some things at home. I remember him saying once that he felt guilty for taking an afternoon off to veg in front of the TV. The whole class jumped in to tell him that it's not only okay to rest, it's necessary. He takes care of what's important, and that is what matters.
Therein lies the real value of a single-parent network. This is what we really do for each other. As single parents, we (at least I know I) tend to focus on the things we can't do, the things we don't have, the things we do but don't do as well as we'd like. Our single-parent support group is there to point out all of the things we are doing, what we do have and what we do well. They remind us that we're not doing as bad of a job as we think we are.
She's found the same thing in her church, and she seems very happy now. I'm reminded that I really shouldn't wait so long to talk to her again. :)
I needed that. Thanks Lisa!
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