My online dating peeves...thanks for listening!

So...I haven't much wanted to tackle the subject of dating here. I'm kind of private about these things and I don't want to put myself too far out there. Plus, you know how it goes, especially with the Anderson 1,000 and 1 luck. The dude I publicly lambast today will marry my second cousin thrice removed tomorrow, and I'll be forced to eat every syllable twice a year for the rest of my life.

Therefore, I'll be nice. Plus, I'm finding there is plenty I can say about dating without naming names or putting my own neck on the chopping block.

And let's face it. I may be a mom, but I am also single, and single people have the best stories. If they didn't, reality TV wouldn't exist.

So...I will publicly admit this and you can think what you want: I have been known to do the online thing. You want stories? The longer I do this, the more I will have. There is no shortage of material, let me assure you.

I first did this a couple of years ago, when I thought I was ready to start dating and hadn't a clue where to start. It was great for learning to navigate those awful "getting to know you" first conversations. (Please. Never, ever ask me what I like to do for fun. I'm very close to responding, "you remember the Whack-A-Mole at Chuck E. Cheese's? For fun, I like whacking people who ask me what I like to do for fun! Ask me something else!" Seriously, if you talk to me long enough, I'll tell you!)

When I started meeting people in "real life," I went off the site and stayed off two years. Then I hit a point where I realized I hadn't had a date since November. Yeah, something had to happen. So I went fishin' again a couple of months ago.

I have pet peeves when I'm scrolling through profiles. I can't vent them in my profile (one of my pet peeves is people who tell you, in their description of themselves, all of their peeves about other people. But I'm not trying to impress you! ;) )

So here are a few pointers from Lisa's limited online dating experience:

Don't start your description with the words "Well," "Let's see," "First off," or "I hate these things." We all do. Get over it.

Don't write a novel. I'm not going to read it. It's too much like work. One dude updates his periodically...with the date it was last updated. I'm pretty sure Tolstoy's profile wouldn't have been as long. It's a laundry list of what he will and won't put up with. We all have 'em, buddy. There's time to talk about that later.

When you message me, don't just say "Hi." I took the time to tell you a little about me in my profile. Find something in there to ask me about. You can do it. I have faith.

Oh, but if you can't string two coherent sentences into one cohesive thought, we are so not going to get along. I have seen paragraphs - several of them - containing not one period or capital letter. I don't want to have to work that hard to figure out what the heck you're talking about. Click.

People who say they hate cheaters, liars and people who play games. When was the last time you heard someone say, "Oh, I just love it when you lie to me?" We all hate cheaters, liars and game players, buddy. You just have to learn to spot them, which usually involves getting to know them. Because I mean, when was the last time someone said to you, "Oh, I'm sorry. I can't meet you because I lie?" Nobody's going to admit that to you. Especially before they even meet you! Hello! They're liars!

*Sigh.* I'm out to lunch on whether or not this beats a bar. But at least it won't be boring!